yuppify your nursery: a primer

i need to rant. i have recently become obsessed with HGTV's rate my space web site. so since i just finished caroline's room i posted the pics there. i know my style of nursery is a lot different than what yuppy america likes so i wasn't expecting rave reviews but i thought i might get a little bit of respect for the uniqueness of it. instead, no one likes it. people have rated our hideous kitchen higher than her room. i really don't care because i love it, and caroline seems to dig it, and that's all that matters. - but it has inspired me to write this primer on how to yuppify your nursery (and make it look just like every single other nursery posted on HGTV. (i am actually guilty of some of these too so please don't be offended. it could be because i am watching finding nemo for the 10th time - no joke - in 3 days and when nemo isn't on i have to listen to a toddler scream in the shrillest hyper-sonic voice, "bishhhhhhhhh! bishhhhhhhhhh! bishhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!) - so here you go:

1. you absolutely must have your child's name on the wall (bonus points if your kid is named kaedyn or maisyn or kambry or something similar. more bonus points if the letters are paisley or polka-dotted.)
2. a chandelier is a must - i mean what infant doesn't need an elaborate crystal dining room fixture to look at
3. a chair rail is highly recommended, must be painted white. maybe even some wainscoting.
4. the only acceptable paint colors are pink and sage green
5. an animal print rug, preferably zebra - to declare, "i'm a hip, cool mom. i will never go without a shower for 3 days. or walk around with spit-up on my shirt."
6. a matching faux animal fur throw rug, with pile deep enough to lose a baby in
7. at least one decal of some sort of sappy phrase in frilly font on the wall above the crib, something like, "love you to the moon and back again" or "sweet dreams" or "the angels danced the day you were born" or "always kiss me good night"
8. framed black and white belly photos from mommy's pregnancy, a framed ultrasound pic, and/or a photo collage of family members
9. a sleigh crib - because apparently this is the only type of crib they make
10. fancy matching baskets on the changing table shelves, with all your nursery essentials neatly lined up. even things that aren't used at a changing table like shampoo.
11. frilly crib bedding that costs more than $500 (you know it's just going to get peed on, right?) pottery barn is just too low budget. you gotta think bigger and better.
12. some sort of painted accents on the wall - stripes, a mural, just something more than one color on the wall. bonus points if it has some sort of three-dimensional accent to it like rhinestones or flowers.
13. a large victorian mirror, because nothing says baby safety like dangling glass
14. cute, delicate breakable trinkets like antique piggy banks on super low shelves because your kid would never break anything. not your princess.
15. fleur de lis - everywhere

ok, i feel better now :)